Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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