Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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