he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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