I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
