If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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