took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize