when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You took a bar mat shot.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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