there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
