Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
