she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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