I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
