I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
