then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
