I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
