how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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