1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
