it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
