8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize