Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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