I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
