i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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