wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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