I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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