I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
