you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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