I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
