good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
