You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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