she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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