I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
