somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
