the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
