Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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