I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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