I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
