I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
