I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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