i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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