You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
