So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
