So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
