So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
