his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
