How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
