My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
