i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
