Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it's like heaven, but drunker
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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