I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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