you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
