not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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