i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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