Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
