I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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