Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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