hotel room ftw
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Every concussion has its silver lining
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
