well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
