why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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