My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
