I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
