when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
