I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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