I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His nipple licking is glorious
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