The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize