I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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