I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
