I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have fence marks all over my body
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
