i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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