so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
