I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
